Monday, July 05, 2010
Twilight Saga: Eclipse (David Slade, 2010)
What if Buffy instead of Bella had met Edward and Jacob?
(Bella in the parking lot, walking from her truck to school. Suddenly a careening van heads towards her. Bella flinches, too frightened to move away. A crunching sound)
Edward: Are you all right?
Bella: How did you stop the van?
Buffy: He didn't; I did. (Bella and Edward look to their right; Buffy's arm is thrust straight out, the fist sunk into the van's crumpled face)
Bella: How did she stop the van?
Edward: (Pressing hand on Bella's face, he shoves her to one side) Get lost. (To Buffy) How did you stop that van?
Buffy: I work out.
Edward: I'm Edward.
Buffy: Buffy. First day in this school. Had to transfer here after my old school in Sunnydale sank into the earth. Long story.
Edward: I'd like to hear it sometime.
Buffy: I'll think about it. (They walk to class, chatting. It starts to rain. Bella sits on her butt in the parking lot, slowly getting wet).
(Later, Buffy and Edward are at Edward's house, talking)
Edward: Will you tell me how you stopped that van?
Buffy: I'm a vampire slayer.
Edward: I'm a vampire.
Buffy: I'm feeling deja vu.
Edward: Would you like some music? (Turns on his CD player)
Buffy: Clair de Lune is nice, but I prefer Sarah McLachlan.
Edward: Care to dance?
Buffy: I'd rather not right now.
Edward: Hm. Well, I can always make you.
Buffy: Not scared, sorry.
Edward: Well, you really shouldn't have said that.
Buffy: Is that a threat?
(Cut to a gorgeous long shot of the forest, the trees waving under a vast Northwestern wind. The camera moves in closer to catch Buffy clinging to a tree top. Edward is trussed up and hanging from a rope, upside down)
Buffy: You apologize?
Edward: I do. I offer a complete and utter apology. The threat was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair action, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my words may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such statement at any time in the future.
Buffy: Okay. (Busses Edward) You're cute. (Wrinkles nose) But you've got to wash your hair! Smells like a rat's nest where the rat died a month ago.
Edward: I haven't shampooed since a month ago. It's how I keep my hair standing.
Buffy: Either you wash your hair and use gel to keep it standing or I rip the scalp off your head (Tugs hair, painfully). Capish?
Edward: Yes, ma'am. I promise, ma'am.
(Later, Jacob meets Buffy and Edward)
Jacob: You like shapeshifters?
Buffy: Better than bloodsuckers. At least this bloodsucker.
Jacob: I think I'm in love.
Edward: Hey, what about me?
Buffy: Go suck a lemon.
(Jacob and Buffy together, talking)
Buffy: So what does this mean when I've 'imprinted' on you?
Jacob: It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When I see you, suddenly it’s not the earth holding me here anymore. You do. And nothing matters more than you. And I would do anything for you, be anything for you… I become whatever you need me to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.
Buffy: That's the lamest load of crap I've ever heard.
(Jacob tries to kiss Buffy. Buffy shoves him back, lightly slaps his face)
Jacob: Next time you want to hit me, use a baseball bat or crowbar, okay?
(Buffy punches him; he's knocked sideways a few dozen feet. Teeth fly in the same direction a few feet further)
Buffy: Is that better?
(Jacob and Edward fighting over Buffy)
Edward: I love Buffy!
Jacob: I love Buffy!
Buffy: For the record I'm not Switzerland, I'm Hiroshima, and I'm about to go nuclear on both of you if you don't stop acting like morons.
(Later: Buffy, Edward, and Jacob in the tent, Buffy freezing)
Jacob: Good thing I'm warm and alive, right?
Buffy: Just don't try anything.
Edward (To Jacob): You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are. It’s like you’re shouting them at me.
Buffy (To Jacob): That's not your tail you're wagging.
Jacob: Don't be stupid. Don't you like having ten toes?
Buffy: I'm warning you!
Jacob: And you'll do what, exactly?
(We hear a crunching sound)
Jacob: (in a very high voice) Yes ma'am. Won't happen again, ma'am. Please let go ma'am--they feel as if they're about to pop open.
(Later: Buffy stakes Victoria, who dissolves into dust)
Edward (taking Buffy into his arms) Now we can be together forever.
Buffy: You know, I've been wondering: would it be easier to trust you or stake you? Do I even need you?
Edward: Don't you trust me?
Buffy: Didn't I ask you to wash your stinking hair? (Raises stake)
Edward: Not my heart!
Buffy: I'm not aiming for your heart (spins him around, bends him over). Say "Ah!"
Edward: Aaaah! (Walks away funny) My heart. If only you aimed for my heart instead of--oh! (faints, falls backwards; stake sinks in deeper)
Buffy: All things considered, I'd rather be in Sunnydale.
(With apologies to Joss Whedon)